When Your Singleness Suddenly Feels Wrong
I know it's been a while since I've been around. I've got bunches of excuses.
- I've been busy. No, seriously. I have.
- Anything that feels worth writing about is pretty heavy, and I haven't been able to let myself go there. The world feels BONKERS right now, and it seems silly not to talk about, but it also stirs up some emotions and discussions that I can't handle and I'd like to keep avoiding just a little bit longer.
- This blog is supposed to be the place where I'm open and honest about all the things. When life is going great, when it's not... you know... just an overall super authentic, vulnerable, safe space where I break any misconception you might have of me being cool. Turns out, when you're going through a tough thing, it's waaaaay harder to write down and put out there than you might think. All of a sudden you're imagining every possible way that someone might take what you've written and twist it and think all sorts of awful things about you. Apparently some little piece of me is very okay with people thinking I'm cool. #liveauthentic #honestcaptions
- Okay, one more secret before I go for this thing. I HATE writing about being single. It is truly horrific. And actually, when I started this blog I said, "the one thing I will NOT write about is being single". Singleness has been one of my main identifiers for most of my life and I'm over it. It's one of the least interesting things about me and I'm pretty done talking about it. Except that God keeps giving me these stupid things to share and I don't really have a choice. So PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, don't think of me as the single girl that never stops talking about being single. I promise you that's not my life. Promise.
Okay, let's do this.
Summer was rough in a major way. Mostly, things were great, but one little thing was just nagging at all my insides and ruining everything. It started at a wedding. And by the way, doesn't it kind of always start at a wedding? At this particular blessed union, I looked around and realized that ALL of my close friends were in serious relationships - engaged, married, pregnant, babies - ALL of them. I was there with my parents. No biggie. It was still very enjoyable for me until the first dance, when these two beautiful lovebirds had the nerve to dance to the very song that I'd like to have MY first dance to. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who do they even think they are? Trust me, I know it's irrational, but it was the first time I've ever been sad to be single at a wedding.
Fast forward just a bit to another sweet friend's wedding when SHE WALKS DOWN THE AISLE to the song I want to walk down the nonexistent aisle to. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It suddenly hit me that the longer I wait to get married, the more I'll look like I'm copying everyone else's weddings. And you guys, if you think that's dumb, and if you want to know how irrational I really am, you should know that my dream wedding is an elopement, so this all means absolutely nothing. But also everything.
In the meantime, I'm living with my cutie best friend and her husband who can't stop doting on each other for three seconds, Bumbling every night and finding NO matches, watching rom coms and the Bachelorette, listening to the IDGI podcast... feeding the beast inside, and feeling AWFUL and GUILTY about how sad I was to be single. Then one day it hit me HARD.
It was right before Kala and I launched our business, WELCOME. Like I've posted before, this was a vision I had years ago, and it came to actual fruition. It's a real thing now. Kala had a gown fitting in Portland, so she and Ben would be gone for a couple of days while I visited family. I was heading home from work, and as I drove the quiet country road, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I had no one to share the special day with. I realized that my whole adult life I've wanted to have this one thing in place before I met someone and got married. In my mind I would meet the guy of my dreams and dazzle him with my business savvy self and he'd be like "wow, ethical fashion, I'm so into that", and it would be magic. But that was suddenly SO unimportant. Right then, all I wanted was for someone to see me through all the hard things that came between the vision and the thing. Someone who knew how much work I/we put in and was proud of me/us. I pulled in the driveway, walked into the kitchen and had a full blown melt down. Tears streamed down my face and I cried God, I just need someone to tell me it's okay to feel this way.
The phone rings.
I pull myself together and answer. He tells me he called because they discussed 'how to find a spouse' at church and he thought of me. I'll go ahead and say that normally, I'd be super annoyed at this type of sermon, because SOMEONE PLEASE START PREACHING THAT MARRIAGE ISN'T EVERYTHING, but on this particular night, I was more than thankful for the call. He had some really beautiful things to say, and it was the beginning of the end of my summer of gloom. The Bachelorette ended, I got the heck off of Bumble, and ditched the dating podcasts I was listening to. I finally opened up to Kala, and she worked her bestie magic and reminded me of who I am and what I'm waiting for. I opened up to my mom and she encouraged me to let my guard down and allow myself to be vulnerable again. My heart started turning.
I guess what I need to say is this. I talk a lot about how happy I am to be single. I encourage other girls to stay single and wait for the right guy. But it's not easy for everyone. It's not easy for me sometimes, and I think people need to know that. But if you're waiting for some future version of yourself that you're proud of to let someone in, forget it. When you get there, you'll wish they saw how far you've come. If you're on a dating app, delete it. It gives you the illusion of so many options, when so few/none are right for you. Stop with the dating podcasts. Regardless of how relatable they are. They're telling you there's something wrong with you and destroying your hope. Talk to someone about how you're feeling. Don't hide yourself for fear of what people think. Ladies get a bad rap for being "desperate" the moment we let on that we're desiring relationship. That's dumb. Don't give into it. And last of all, remember that when you're married, there will be days that you'd give anything to be single for a day. To have no one to care for but yourself. Cherish the days that you have now. They're fleeting.